Zilla’s “My Child” Magazine Review Ends Up In Weird Places With Purple Vaginas

MC33 COVER Email Sig[69]So I was reading through the June issue of My Child digital magazine with my serious-reviewer hat on, when it occurred to me that it is perfectly suited to two key demographics: 1) First Time Preggos and 2) Less-Cynical Parents Than Me (which pretty much covers everyone, let’s face it).

First Time Preggos will love this. It’s the kind of magazine that can help harness the wayward buying impulse that all misty-eyed new parents have; the crazy nesting hormone that makes you want to buy all those nice! new! shiny! cutesy! things that Junior simply must have. We’ve all done it. It’s fun! At least it is, until you finally bring the baby home and he poo-plodes all over the custom lining of your $1200 Bugaboo Donkey within the first five minutes.

I mean, look at that Baby Bjorn advertisement on page 7, the one with the handsome couple in casual preppywear. You have to go see this thing. It’s adorable.

See the way that woman gazes adoringly at her husband instead of shooting him exhausted glares for getting her into this mess in the first place? First-timers.

See how the man is near-bursting with paternal love for his child? First-timers.

I mean, seriously, the man is wearing camel slacks and a blazer. Does he not know that babies ooze multiple forms of fluid out of multiple orifices on their body at all times of the day and night? Dude, are you crazy?!? That baby’s mouth is aimed RIGHT AT YOU! That nifty cashmere sweater is toast.

My Child magazine is great reading for First Time Preggos who religiously do their pelvic floor exercises and think in their earnest-yet-naive way that cradle cap, random rashes and millia are all medical conditions requiring intervention; when in fact, anyone who has done this more than once knows they are just part of that benign-yet-universal condition known as “newborn babies are fugly and weird-looking”

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And let’s not forget colic. First Timers worry anxiously about colic (“What is wrong with my baby! Must see GP immediately”) whereas Second Timers are much more likely to be annoyed by it (“What is WRONG with you, kid? God, I forgot about this ‘arsenic hour’ crap. Can we skip ahead to that European gap-year already?”)

The totally-not-ugly maternity wear spread on pages 40-41 is definitely worth a look, because I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen non-ugly maternity wear before, or anything that doesn’t make the wearer look like a big stripey beach ball with legs. Competition Alert! Anyone who can detect any sign of a baby bump on the maternity model in panel number three will win my eternal regard. Seriously, I’ve nursed bigger bumps than that after a particularly frisky session with a jumbo packet of chicken Twisties.

And here’s some awesome pub trivia for you: according to one of the tips in the article “16 Early Pregnancy Symptoms” a newly-pregnant woman’s vagina should appear “more purplish than normal”. Which, of course, begs the question: How purplish? Block of Cadbury’s chocolate purplish? Barney the Dinosaur purplish? Prince in “Purple Rain” purplish? It almost makes me want to get knocked up again so I can whip out the hand mirror and find out for myself.

And speaking of purple, there is also one of those elaborate cupcake and lolly jar buffets in matching gelato-shades of pink and mauve that everyone except me seems to adore (pages 62-63). I mean – let’s be real – we all know I hate those spreads because I’m jealous. The peanut butter balls impaled by butterfly cookies in this spread look to-die-for, whereas anything I bake simply ends up looking dead. Or impaled. Kind of like Ned Stark’s head in Game of Thrones.


My Child digital magazine, it’s a fantastic read. Go check it out, go and subscribe. Mention my name and IT’S FREE*.


*Actually, that was a total lie designed to make me look important. It’s free for everyone. How good is that!


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